President Elect Pizza Calls for Genocide Trial of Elections Commissioners

Courtesy of our trans-dimensional bureau X-43.

Bizzarolando, Florida – In the past week the University of Corner Florida has been the site of one of the most horrific scenes of ethnic cleansing in the history of the Confederate States of America. Millions of pizza peoples were shipped from their native strip malls within thirty minutes or less, to concentration camps erected throughout the campus. Whereupon they were chopped into slivers while still warm and feed to vicious roving gangs of starving students. The pitiless student population tore into their cheesy flesh leaving trails of sauce and shredded toppings in their wake. Work crews are still searching for survivors amidst the many discarded camps and mass pizza box pits.

Transport Containers for Pizza People extracted from a Student Union mass grave by international aid workers.

University of Corner Florida President-Elect Papa J. Pizza has issued a statement calling upon the International Criminal Court to try Elections Commissioner Hasen Relkcem on charges of genocide, ethnic cleansing, and criminal douchebaggery. In a statement from a recent speech given by President Pizza he called on the international community to band together to ensure that this tragedy does not repeat itself. “My people’s flesh may be delectable when freshly baked, our tasty toppings may bring all the boys to the yard, but this does not excuse the mass munching of our people”, said President-Elect Pizza. “We must find Relkcem and snack upon him, as he did snack upon us.” When asked by reporters whether retribution was called for instead of conciliation and understanding, President-Elect Pizza responded by calling the press core “utterly useless pussies” and instructed them to “suck [his] salty sausage”.

Remains of a pizza person found near the business administration region.

Commissioner Relkcem has fled to the Towers where he is amassing an army of SGA campaigners and establishing training camps around the stadium to wage jihad upon the pizza tribes. In a taped interview sent to the Corner Florida Future Relkcem made the following statement, “It is the will of the great Election that we subjugate every pizza, and sacrifice them to ensure the success of this most holy of rituals and campus Traditions”. In response to pressure from the International community Elections Commissioner Relkcem warned that, “Any opposition to the will of the Election will be met with my mighty army of campaigners occupying the Student Union and waging a never ending presidential campaign”, adding “So chew on that, bitches.”

Elections Commissioner Hasen Relkcem in taped interview with the Courner Florida Future

This Thursday the senate will be considering a motion brought by President-Elect Pizza’s supporters to institute a no-fly zone over the union alongside preparations for a full scale invasion of the Towers. Opponents of the proposal note the decade long war against trees and the occupation of the arboretum. Senator Amtt Sobra is skeptical of military intervention and noted the continuing costs of the current wars waged by the student government. “Do you know how many trees there are in the arboretum? Shitloads, literally shitloads.” Senator Sobra continued, “We’ve already spent enough in blood and bullion killing insurgent Oaks and their hippie supporters. How many more have to suffer splinters and ticks in that struggle alone? We just can’t afford it anymore.” If the motion is successful, forces could be deployed to the North Eastern campus as soon as next Monday. The trans-dimensional bureau X-43 of the Vanguard Voice will continue to report upon this story as it develops.