What’s Wrong with the UCF Keep

            You may have noticed a small table in the student union distinguishable only by the pair of signs flanking it and inscribed with a promise of “FREE CANDY”.  No, that’s not a stranger attempting to lure you into an unmarked van and touch you in your naughty places. It is actually the Union’s attempt to illicit serious comments™ from students on how well the union is serving the student citizen customer.  Unfortunately, it appears that the survey is simply a template used from student unions throughout the country.  It only asks specific questions which are deemed to be acceptable and the only response is a range of options from “seriously dissatisfied” to “seriously satisfied”.

            I doubt that the Union actually understands how patronizing this is to the student body, particularly any that actually have a semblance of democratic inclinations.  What I would like to include is a short list of ideas for the student union bosses advisors/administrators, if they are serious about actually receiving student input.  No candy required!

1.      Stop treating students like children – Yes, too many modern American college students act like children.  From drunken frat brats to do nothing stoners to self-centered students of all kinds, our campus is certainly no exception to this trend.  An argument can be made for the increasing infantilization of this demographic as technology (and vast exploitation of third world countries!) has resulted in a longer life span and exceedingly comfortable lifestyle for this group.  This is not to imply that all American college students live “exceedingly comfortable lifestyles”, in fact there are many that certainly don’t, but in comparison to many other Americans this is not an unfair characterization in regards to most students.

However, this does not mean that universities should accommodate that!  It should be seriously asked why the first floor of the student union looks more like a shopping mall than a student community center.  It should be asked why we would need a video game store or a candy store on campus.  The union and the student body should seriously ponder on why in the last semester there has been more activity in the union dedicated to the Nintendo cult (honestly, what is with the white robes?), alienware, and “Konami U” than dedicated to cultivating student activism, academics, culture, and community.  It’s great that the union is so gracious to allow student groups to set up on their front lawn when businesses don’t want it, but it would be nice to see the union being as interested in student activity than in making more money to supposedly invest in student activity.

    

2.      Get out of the way – One of the reasons that you’re probably finding it difficult to get student input is not simply that you are treating the students like children, but that most students don’t feel any attachment to the union.  People tend to feel a lot more connected to endeavors in which they actually have some control over, and I don’t mean by providing “input”.  I am referring to an actual vote on what goes on in the union.

I know that this is a radical idea for America’s modern “libertarian” free market fiefdom, so let me put this in terms even the most ardent Paultard could grasp.  Our public university is not a capitalist business, regardless of what the bosses may think.  Let’s think about our founding father for a second, remember that old slogan of theirs, “No taxation without representation”?  Students should demand the same thing, “No tuition without representation”.  Not only would such a student democracy increase student involvement, it would go a long way to combating increasing infantilization, and create better citizens.  Administrators would still have a very necessary place in assisting students in advising student leaders and running the day to day operations.  In the long run the administration would benefit from the satisfaction of better fulfilling the development of the student body, not to mention having more assistance from the students in operating the union.

This point cannot be emphasized enough.  Letting students vote on who is awarded contracts, what union space is used for, what policies the union should have, etc. is not only a moral directive of a democratic society, but the only effective way of increasing student involvement.  No amount of free food, shirts, candy, and assorted crap can make up for the feeling of being actively engaged and responsible for the direction of one’s own community.

3.      Fuck the supreme court, corporations are not people – It should be added that corporations aren’t students either.  Unless students really want them to occupy virtually one-third of the union, which is something this author is unconvinced of, there should be serious reconsideration to the never ending expansion of businesses in what is theoretically owned by students. 

Space is becoming an ever rarer commodity by the day in the union.  Student groups have less space to store materials, hold meetings, and hold events.  These groups shouldn’t be marginalized by businesses simply because the Chamber of Commerce has more representation appointed to the student body than actual students.

Current student leaders with an unnerving tendency to place the concerns of the business community and the status quo over students argue that this is necessary to fund more student activities.  However, this argument falls flat not only because students have little actual authority over what happens in the union, but also because the few events that SGA approves, like “Put Down ur Cell Phone”, are typically populated predominantly by the aforementioned student leaders.  This doesn’t even mention the obvious fallacy in thinking that leads to the conclusion that crowding out student activity with handouts to businesses to fund the increasing expansion of said businesses somehow leads to more student activity.          

4.      Three “ethnically diverse” sets of shitty food is still shit – Having places that sell food in the union is not necessarily a bad thing.  However, when the majority of your choices are fast food establishments of either the “Mexican”, “Italian”, “Asian”, or unmistakably American variety, that isn’t necessarily a good thing.  While the union has taken steps forward by providing a halal eatery and a salad bar, there is still far too many overpriced shit stands crowding up the union.

This author would encourage students to push for healthier food.  Americans are gluttonous and unhealthy as it is, do we really want to encourage this by having an overabundance on fast food places?  Would it really kill us to have healthier food that we aren’t encouraged to shove into our gullets while on the run to the next thing to do.  I’d argue that it probably would kill us not to.

Also being a vegan is not really an option in the union.  It would be nice to see at least one place that actually accommodates those who are conscientious objectors to factory farming.  Orlando has seen a rapid increase in the number of successful restaurants that use no animal products.  It would be nice to see UCF follow the Orlando’s lead on this.

There you have it.  A fully elaborated critique of the UCF keep without having to be bribed with candy.  It may or may not be what you folks at the union wanted, but too bad ‘cause here it is!             

HB 1355 Only Makes Government Bigger

If there is one thing that Republicans do not like, it's youths who vote.

This may seem like a bold statement to some, but before you make your judgment, let me introduce you to House Bill 1355.

HB 1355, drafted by Speaker of the House Dean Cannon and introduced into committee by Rep. Dennis Baxley, is a 128-page rewrite of our state's election laws. The re-write itself specifically targets individuals and organizations who volunteer their time to register voters.

Provisions within the bill are numerous and dangerously detrimental to the democratic process. It would require anyone collecting voter registrations to register with the state.

This means that all organizations who wish to register voters, including student groups, must submit the names, addresses and dates of birth for all volunteers to the state. These organizations will then be required to obtain custom registration forms from the local supervisor of elections with the organization's name identified on the form.

This is done as a method of tracking, because if you submit an incorrect voter registration application, you and your organization will be penalized with a fine by the state of Florida. It should also be noted that the payment collected from these fines will no longer be utilized to increase voter education. In contrast, this money can go anywhere the government wants.

Those who support HB 1355 assert that it is a method of preventing voter fraud. By making the process more bureaucratic, they are hoping to eliminate fraudulent voter registrations. Yes, HB 1355 may succeed in doing so, but at what cost?

HB 1355, if passed, would make a traditionally easy process into a ridiculously technical one. In most cases, all you need to register a voter is a voter-registration form, a clipboard, pen and time. And that's what's so perfect about it — the simplicity of it all.

During the presidential elections of 2008, the College Democrats at UCF registered 10,775 voters. And that's just one organization of volunteers in one election cycle. Imagine what 2012 could bring. Imagine how many students will register to vote and then actually vote in 2012.

It baffles me that so much attention is being given to social issues and voting rules when our economy is what's in need of revision. The almost-governmental shutdown this past weekend is an example of this and I would like to think that we're smart enough to not waste our time on issues that do not need fixing.

Because honestly, what is so wrong with registering students to vote?

It's extremely ironic (and hypocritical) that a political party who preaches against big government would attempt to pass legislation that only encourages big government. If you want to hear what the people want, then maybe you should let us get registered to vote. Maybe you should encourage the electoral process, not diminish its possibilities.

With all of that said, I urge you to contact Speaker of the House Dean Cannon. His office drafted HB 1355, and if you're wondering why the House representative for the UCF campus would do such a thing, it's probably because his term limits are over.

I guess he wants to be remembered for destroying the student vote.

I want us to be remembered for winning it back.

This article's original publication can be found here: http://www.centralfloridafuture.com/hb-1355-only-makes-government-bigger-1.2537240

The Perils of the Great Leader Complex

It is truly a sad fate to once again find humanity choosing to forget the recent past.  I suppose it is the least arduous path to take in the face of monumental resistance, to align oneself with the monsoon wind and think it a gentle breeze.  Or instead, as much of this country has chosen, to wrap oneself in the cloak of the pretend Martyr and Revolutionary.  To see the monsoon wind not as a natural albeit grand force, but as a coming apocalypse in which the only recourse is to throw aside their better judgment and find whatever simple explanation is close at hand to fling into the colossal force of Nature.

 

1776 is super cool. Like these guys.

This is situation we find ourselves in but nearly three short years after what should have been the revelation of 2008.  That very point at which the petty façade of capitalist salvation, predicated on endless growth bought of the consumption of land and life, was ripped aside for this Nation to see what lie beneath.  We should all remember that Gorgon face of pure corruption, that casino economy financed by speculation even the speculators no longer could comprehend.  Of which could only be propped up by the wealth of a Nation taxed to the brink for financing torture camps and eternal war.  At such a point the only rational course of action would be to force the bankers of Goldman Sachs et. all, the generals and all their patsies at bayonet point into the sea.  Truly exile and poverty would have been a kindness to the lot that attempted at every turn to rob us blind of both our money and our lives.

It was Karl Marx who said, “Religion is the opiate of the masses”, a noteworthy comment on the ability of those to find solace in fantasy. A fantasy upon which to numb themselves from the wounds derived of our mortal world.  We as a Nation soothed our sufferings on Hope and Change, from the upper ranks of a party who has no recent experience with either.  Rather than prepare ourselves to fight an entrenched enemy, we gave in to transferring our uncommon mobilization and inspiration to a charismatic leader’s charm.  America’s fetish with executive power more than overcame any new found tendency for resistance.

 We are a Nation divided by both the reactionary, angry, and profoundly ignorant idols of the Right and a president who, despite the rhetoric of his followers and adversaries, has managed to continue (if not exacerbate!) many of the worst policies of his predecessor.  An interesting thing to note is that the dynamics of the present are in some profound ways the mirror image of the recent past.  During the Bush administration there was a mobilized Left opposition, facing a constantly eroding Right president with diminishing support and no real enthusiasm in the conservative grassroots movement.  Since 2008 we have witnessed the same scenario with the players inverted, as the Right mobilizes with gusto and the Left quietly sits behind their president.  The conclusion that I draw from this natural political phenomena is that this is the result of the overwhelming power of the executive leader upon American political consciousness.

Truly nothing could be more horrifying to any individual who places stock in the political will of the people.  Both parties, the media, and by extension virtually every American, measure their every political thought and deed on the words, both spoken and perceived, of one man.  I would hesitate, however, to declare that this is simply the result of an overly powerful executive branch, for I fear the problem is far more extensive than that.  I believe that this is more properly a symptom of a universal malady, one that touches upon every facet of American life.

A reasonable conjecture in my mind is that this is an ironic outcome of an attempt to ward off this very problem.  In America’s response to the so-called “communist” countries, many of our political intelligentsia believed that as means of warding off the tyranny of the Warsaw pact, that our political freedoms should be supplemented by expanded economic freedoms.  This intellectual and political crusade for free market capitalism has continued to grow relentlessly, seeking at every turn to strike down the very Keynesian safeguards which were implemented to stop exactly what happened in 1929, and nearly happened again in 2008, if not for those very ravaged protections.  Now as history repeats itself as farce, at the beginning of this century we see an even more powerful executive and far more powerful gilded class of tycoons.

The 0.8 Million Dollar Man

This “great leader” syndrome can be seen in powerful effect on the grounds of this very University.  Take for instance last week’s article in the Central Florida Future relating the ever swelling salary of our unelected president (for life) John C. Hitt (http://www.centralfloridafuture.com/hitt-one-of-nation-s-top-earners-1.2533976).  It is perhaps unfair to chide the campus ‘paper of record’ for being overly generous to president Hitt’s $800,000 salary, as it is all too unfortunately believed by students to be worth paying.  However, one can certainly find fault with the very meek criticism raised in their editorial stance within the same issue in which they made a very restrained call for sacrifice on Hitt’s behalf,  

“Some of the university presidents in the Chronicle's study realized that with their respective universities struggling to combat budget cuts it only seemed fair to give some back.  To our knowledge, Hitt hasn't done anything like this but it would be nice for him to exhibit some personal sacrifice for the university he governs — it's not like he can't afford it.”                  

While certainly a reasonable request, one has to wonder why there isn’t more outrage over the sheer size of his contract.  In addition to noting the larger sociological trend of leader worship it becomes necessary to also investigate some of the basic arguments that have been left unattended until now.

            The first issue that has not been adequately addressed in the campus media is how much of UCF’s success can be actually attributed to Hitt himself.  In virtually every defense of Hitt’s enormous paycheck is the simple correlation of any success at UCF to the mere fact that it has occurred while Hitt was president of UCF.  As any half way decent man of science would tell you correlation is not causation.  One could also point out that during Hitt’s tenure as president there have been zero incidents of radioactive mutant rabbit rampages and a continual presence of breathable oxygen at UCF.  However, both of these decidedly positive things are not necessarily the work of John C. Hitt.

            Even in the more mundane successes, while Hitt may have been involved he certainly isn’t the only person to thank for what has happened, while he happened to be president.  Like the CEO of virtually any company in America, the lion share of work and the successes they spawn are not due to the most elite member of the firm, but the tireless work of the many individuals who labor under them.  While I certainly am not in the best position to judge the effectiveness of president Hitt in comparison to previous presidents, I can certainly conclude that Hitt would be absolutely worthless without the work of all the administrators, teachers, researchers, fundraisers, lawyers, janitors, maintenance workers, accountants, secretaries, IT workers, etc. who we all rely on far more.  I can also point out that president Hitt isn’t worth several departments’ worth of workers, which is currently the rate at which we are paying him.

            The first issue that has not been adequately addressed in the campus media is how much of UCF’s success can be actually attributed to Hitt himself.  In virtually every defense of Hitt’s enormous paycheck is the simple correlation of any success at UCF to the mere fact that it has occurred while Hitt was president of UCF.  As any half way decent man of science would tell you: correlation is not causation.  One could also point out that during Hitt’s tenure as president there have been zero incidents of radioactive mutant rabbit rampages and a continual presence of breathable oxygen at UCF.  However, both of these decidedly positive things are not necessarily the work of John C. Hitt.

            Even in the more mundane successes, while Hitt may have been involved he certainly isn’t the only person to thank for what has happened, while he happened to be president.  Like the CEO of virtually any company in America, the lion share of work and the successes they spawn are not due to the most elite member of the firm, but the tireless work of the many individuals who labor under them.  While I certainly am not in the best position to judge the effectiveness of president Hitt in comparison to previous presidents, I can certainly conclude that Hitt would be absolutely worthless without the work of all the administrators, teachers, researchers, fundraisers, lawyers, janitors, maintenance workers, accountants, secretaries, IT workers, etc. who we all rely on far more.  I can also point out that president Hitt isn’t worth several departments’ worth of workers, which is currently the rate at which we are paying him.

            Paying Hitt this much is more than a gross waste of valuable resources at a time we cannot afford to spend them.  It also feeds the great leader complex which is poison to Democracy and the wellbeing of the people.  By overvaluing the contribution of CEO’s, University presidents, and other such powerful leaders we undervalue our own contributions and those of the vast majority of people.  The only conclusion that such a process will lead to is one that can only lead to our own enslavement.  

Notification of Retraction, Sincerest Apologies, and Vow to Uphold Higher Standards of Quality in Our Reporting

Dear Readers of the Vanguard Voice,

It has come to my attention that an article of reporting within this publication contained elements which were considered by one of our readers to be both slanderous and inaccurate.  Upon inspection of the article in question I found more than one occurrence of descriptions that I have also deemed to indeed be both slanderous in nature and grossly inaccurate.  It is with great shame that I must disclose that I was the author of this article.

The reporting in question was in regards to a vote last month within the student senate on whether to conduct a referendum on several bills being considered by the Florida legislature which could potentially lead to racial profiling and possible harassment of foreign nationals or those with darker skin.  The debate inflamed passions considerably, no less in the consideration of this humble reporter.  Such tempers did disturb the better judgment and caused me to make unfounded and spurious accusations.  To those affected by these attacks I can only offer my sincere apologies and the immediate retraction of those offending passages.

It is the nature, particularly of the socialist man, to find ones self in a position of ceaseless struggle against a powerful opposition.  From such a background the most useful and necessary tool in the arsenal of any advocate for the oppressed is the fire of righteous indignation.  Yet such a tool can be dangerous even in the hands of great men and women, and can all too often lead to harmful exaggeration born of a loss of discipline.  This loss of focus cannot be permitted in any serious publication, and it is my solemn vow to ensure that redoubled efforts are made to ensure that such errors are avoided in the future.

To this end I pledge that the editors of the Vanguard Voice will make a greater effort to ensure quality articles, in line with the goal of informing the UCF student, and promoting a more logical and just society.  While we will most certainly call out those who are committing malicious acts, in the strongest of terms, we will do so in a manner that is fair to all parties involved.  We encourage our readers to inform us of any issues they have with our articles, either by posting their comments or by reporting possible unwarranted characterizations via an email care of iwhanen@yahoo.com.  We hope that you will continue to provide your patronage to this growing publication, as we shall endeavor to provide you with content that meets the high standards we wish to set.

Sincerest Apologies and Kindest Regards,

Hanen Wuifde Indruisen

Universal Knights: How to Blow $200,000 on a Field Trip to an Amusement Park

On Monday March 14^th, of this year the Darfur Awareness Organization went before the Conference Registration and Travel Committee of the student senate to request funding for a conference to Washington D.C.  The organization needed funds to be able to send four UCF students to a conference to help train them to be anti-genocide activists.  As the organization donates all the money it collects to Invisible Children, a charity that helps provide clean water, education, and other essentials to children in a war torn region, they especially needed the financial assistance that the SGA could provide.  Despite asking for less than a tenth of what is often allocated to other organizations to send far fewer of its members to conference, the SGA tabled their request indefinitely.  Why?  Well the CRT committee had stopped reviewing bills because they were pretty much broke.

Despite the heavy promotion made by SGA about the $17 million from the Activity and Service Fee it has available to allocate, only a small fraction goes to student groups.  Last year out of the $15 million in the account only about 6% of the funds were allocated to student groups for events, conferences, and materials.  Although the Activity and Service Fee funds large expenses for such mainstays as the Student Union and the Recreation and Wellness Center, it also maintains its fair share of frivolous spending.  Case in point: the $200,000 field trip/giveaway of student funds to a major corporation/SGA moneygasm established in the 36^th student senate, also known as Universal Knights.

Corporate Moneygasm!  This is what "Fiscal Responsibility" looks like.

Signed, appropriately enough, on Halloween night 2003, Resolution 32-03 Universal Knights Spring Event established this yearly contribution to the poor, starving NBCUniversal Studio corporation.  This resolution provided students the opportunity to “share in the benefits of our unique living experience in Central Florida” by sending these overwhelmingly privileged young adults to an amusement park they could afford on their parents money anyway.  In short, the resolution provides the mandate for SGA to buy tickets from Universal Studios with student money and then give them to other students, despite the fact that the event is not on campus, does not raise the profile of UCF in any meaningful way, or provide any sort of cultural, educational, and/or civic benefit to students.  Also despite the large number of tickets that are bought from student fees and then redistributed (communism!), the amount of tickets are limited.  This means that this A&SF funded event is technically not open to all UCF students, which could possibly be construed as an illegal use of such funding according to state law.

SGA: Redistributing the Wealth, for Good of Motherland

This Thursday the student senate will have a special session from 18:00 to 23:00 hours to review and approve the Activity and Service Fee budget.  This year the Activity and Service Fee Committee has requested $180,000 for the line item “Spring Event” (ie. Universal Knights).  Unfortunately, it’s highly unlikely that student senate will act on their own to stop this childishly irresponsible splurging of your money, especially when you consider that SGA members have Universal Knights tickets specially reserved for them.  However, that doesn’t mean that this can’t be stopped.  There will be an open forum at the beginning, as in all senate meetings, for students to come to and voice their displeasure about this or any other aspect of the budget.  You can also contact your college senators at http://www.ucfsga.com/find-your-senator, and let them know this is the sort of wasteful spending that is remembered at the ballot box.  We here at the Vanguard Voice feel that this $180,000 would be much better spent on UCF events, student research, civic engagement, etc. and strongly encourage our reader to make such sentiments clear to everyone in SGA.                         

President Elect Pizza Calls for Genocide Trial of Elections Commissioners

Courtesy of our trans-dimensional bureau X-43.

Bizzarolando, Florida – In the past week the University of Corner Florida has been the site of one of the most horrific scenes of ethnic cleansing in the history of the Confederate States of America. Millions of pizza peoples were shipped from their native strip malls within thirty minutes or less, to concentration camps erected throughout the campus. Whereupon they were chopped into slivers while still warm and feed to vicious roving gangs of starving students. The pitiless student population tore into their cheesy flesh leaving trails of sauce and shredded toppings in their wake. Work crews are still searching for survivors amidst the many discarded camps and mass pizza box pits.

Transport Containers for Pizza People extracted from a Student Union mass grave by international aid workers.

University of Corner Florida President-Elect Papa J. Pizza has issued a statement calling upon the International Criminal Court to try Elections Commissioner Hasen Relkcem on charges of genocide, ethnic cleansing, and criminal douchebaggery. In a statement from a recent speech given by President Pizza he called on the international community to band together to ensure that this tragedy does not repeat itself. “My people’s flesh may be delectable when freshly baked, our tasty toppings may bring all the boys to the yard, but this does not excuse the mass munching of our people”, said President-Elect Pizza. “We must find Relkcem and snack upon him, as he did snack upon us.” When asked by reporters whether retribution was called for instead of conciliation and understanding, President-Elect Pizza responded by calling the press core “utterly useless pussies” and instructed them to “suck [his] salty sausage”.

Remains of a pizza person found near the business administration region.

Commissioner Relkcem has fled to the Towers where he is amassing an army of SGA campaigners and establishing training camps around the stadium to wage jihad upon the pizza tribes. In a taped interview sent to the Corner Florida Future Relkcem made the following statement, “It is the will of the great Election that we subjugate every pizza, and sacrifice them to ensure the success of this most holy of rituals and campus Traditions”. In response to pressure from the International community Elections Commissioner Relkcem warned that, “Any opposition to the will of the Election will be met with my mighty army of campaigners occupying the Student Union and waging a never ending presidential campaign”, adding “So chew on that, bitches.”

Elections Commissioner Hasen Relkcem in taped interview with the Courner Florida Future

This Thursday the senate will be considering a motion brought by President-Elect Pizza’s supporters to institute a no-fly zone over the union alongside preparations for a full scale invasion of the Towers. Opponents of the proposal note the decade long war against trees and the occupation of the arboretum. Senator Amtt Sobra is skeptical of military intervention and noted the continuing costs of the current wars waged by the student government. “Do you know how many trees there are in the arboretum? Shitloads, literally shitloads.” Senator Sobra continued, “We’ve already spent enough in blood and bullion killing insurgent Oaks and their hippie supporters. How many more have to suffer splinters and ticks in that struggle alone? We just can’t afford it anymore.” If the motion is successful, forces could be deployed to the North Eastern campus as soon as next Monday. The trans-dimensional bureau X-43 of the Vanguard Voice will continue to report upon this story as it develops.

UCF hypocritically awarded Tree Campus USA Award

This morning, UCF received a Tree Campus USA award from the Arbor Foundation. Arriving over 30 minutes late to the award ceremony, UCF President Dr. Hitt accepted this award on behalf of the entire university, but many of the students in attendance were opposed to hypocritically accepting the award.

Currently, the UCF Administration is filing a petition to St. John's River Management District to reconsider the current determination status of the 7.8 acre plot within the arboretum. The current determination is 'wetland.' If St John's finds that the current determination status is invalid due to the damage done by both natural (hurricane) and unnatural involvement (UCF Administration illegally violating the terms of the lands's Conservation Easement), the land is 1 step closer to the lifting of the conservation easement--which means there will no longer be legal obstacles preventing UCF from beginning construction.

Earlier this week, UCF students voted 87.81% in favor of "the continued conservation, protection, and current determination status of the 7.85 acre area of the UCF Arboretum". Did UCF Administration listen to the student's input? Nope.

The night before receiving the Tree Campus USA award, UCF Vice President William Merk came to the weekly UCF Student Government Senate meeting to discuss the referendum's results. When asked if the UCF Administration planned on aborting the petition to St. John's Water Management District to reconsider the current determination status of the Arboretum, Merk said that the UCF Administration was continuing with petition process (despite the student's opposition), and that it would be up to St. John's Water Management District to consider the student's input. This is yet again another example of how the UCF Administration is running purely on their own agenda--blatantly ignoring the input of the UCF Students and Faculty.

The reconsideration of the determination status is costing UCF $7,020. That's $7,000 that the student's don't want to spend.

Before ceremoniously handing the award to Dr. Hitt, the Arbor Foundation gave a brief presentation outlining the economic and social benefits of trees. Instead of mentioning the obvious environmental necessity that trees create (reducing carbon dioxide, providing natural forest habitats for animals), they started by spitting out statistics that show an increased number of sales at merchants who plant trees outside their urban market places.

Fortunately, the student's voices were not silenced.

Student and community representatives came and distributed material to those in attendance that outlined the history of UCF's many illegal breaches of the conservation easement. Throughout the presentation, the students stood respectfully in protest of the hypocrisy holding a "Save The Arboretum" banner, which was signed by dozens of Student Organizations during the campaign for the referendum. When Dr. Patrick Bohlen (Director of Landscape and Natural Resources at UCF) said his closing remarks, the students in attendance were informed that Q&A was *not* part of the agenda.

On one hand, UCF Administration is planting 300 new trees in urban landscaping.

On the other hand, UCF Administration is pursuing the lifting of the conservation easement on the Arboretum, which would allow for the destruction of 7.8 acres of trees that the students have voted to protect.

Hypocrisy? I think so. Green washing? You bet.

Student Senator Receives Presidential Medal of Freedom for Sexual Experiments with Electricity

Courtesy of our trans-dimensional bureau X-43.

Mr. Worrum, Trans-dimensional correspondent: The right man in the wrong place can make all the difference in the world. 

Bizzarolando, Florida – University of Corner Florida student and electrical engineering major Lachiem Dleiftla was awarded the Medal of Freedom last night from President Sarah Palin for his sexual discoveries involving electricity. Mr. Dleiftla, a junior senator representing the 1/3^rd seat within the college of Computer Science and Engineering was given high praise from the president for his innovative use of his penis. “This student right here shows why America is the most Freedomy place on the planet. His commitment to small government values is what I believe we need to pragmatize the war on terror.”, President Palin said, before she ran out of characters on her twitter feed, at which point she threw a tantrum and smeared feces on reporters while making grunting noises to the tune of “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey.

Mr. Dleiftla partnered with members of the Institute for Synergistic Techonolgasims to perform a groundbreaking experiment on a new interface between man and machine. The group published a paper highlighting the results of sticking their penises into an electrical outlet. According to their research, sticking their penises into an electrical outlet caused a significant decrease in sexual arousal and a 62% increase in fires caused by burning pubic hair. “We kind of thought that the electrons would get all up ons our penises and well, sex,” said research asistant and computer science senior Nollic Drawrof, “That totally didn’t happen”.

The students are currently investigating biomechanical data transmission via USB port. According to sources working within the IST labs, the team is currently struggling with the inverse of the classic “Square block, round hole” paradox. So far methods by student researchers to insert their penises into USB ports have meet with little success and several hospital visits.