Breaking News: Mothers Lock up Your Doritos

March 24, 2010 – Revolution, recession, tsunamis, nuclear fallout, were just the beginning.  Now they are after our vending machines.  Campus police have issued the following All Points Bulletin on the frito bandito: http://bit.ly/hBav2c.

Marshall the Menace - He's a Hungry, Hungry Hippo 

Apparently this notorious Fiend is suspected of stalking members of the vending automaton community within the main campus.  UCF PD believe that under cover of darkness Mr. Marshall preys upon lone automatons in sketchy parts of the campus, and then descends upon them in a crowbar frenzy that can only be born of a madman induced by a diet of ding-a-lings and broken dreams.                

Authorities urge members of the University to panic, panic, fucking PANIC.  He is to be considered highly dangerous when not on the couch, and will be known by the trail of Cheeto dust in his wake.  If encountered on campus do not feed, and immediately contact UCF police at 407-823-5555.  If found outside the campus call your local law enforcement agency (or FBI!) or contact Crimeline at 407-423-TIPS( 8477).  Remember, only you can prevent fresca-cide.